In the murky days following his passing, I saw him everywhere; the gym, the grocery store, while stopped in traffic; my vision was blurred. Everywhere I went, my heart searched for him, and my mind played tricks on me.
Carouseling questions that wouldn’t quit, begged for answers,“Where did he go? Just yesterday, he was here. For forty-nine straight years he was here. There’s no way he just dissolved into thin air.”
And, I believe that was the catalyst to my awakening.
Later that year, we were blessed with the gift of life, my son, Gavin Christopher was born. A very real and tangible gift only an angel can send.
I was twenty-seven years young, nearly twenty-eight when Gavin was born. Now, I’m forty-two.
Fifteen years later, what’s changed:
Since my fathers passing, we’ve changed homes, cars, schools, and jobs. We’ve gone through divorce, loss, legal trouble, and a few beloved pets. I’ve gained a few grey hairs, and a few fine lines; a lot of self love, more peace of mind, and a deep respect for grief.
Dad was all love, but he suffered at the hands of his own demons. Much like the Devil card in today’s Tarot – Dad was trapped in fear, addiction, and low self-worth. It’s sad to think he never saw himself the way the rest of us did: movie-star handsome, incredibly intelligent, warm, funny, kind and strong. Reflecting today, I don’t believe he knew he was free to set his anguish down, and heal his trauma. In my own recovery, I often wonder why he didn’t ‘get it.’ What was standing in his way?
In my years practicing mediumship, I’ve come to learn, that souls crossed will advocate for us from heaven. Especially, when we share common struggles. They cling to our healing like their soul depends on it – because it does.
I’ve come to learn that our ancestors and loved ones crossed, become our spiritual BENEFACTORS.
The Latin meaning: Bene=good Factor=maker. Passed loved ones offer to “make good” on their regrets by becoming our spiritual guides. How much we let them influence our path is entirely up to us.
After Dad passed, and through new eyes, I searched and saught. I explored evidence of continued consciousness, near death experiences, life after death, and evidential mediumship. Subjects that seemed to call to me from the beyond. After having profound dream visitations, mediumistic communications, and relentless psychic phenomenon, I dedicated my life to connecting the bridge between this world and the next. However that may look.
I honor my Dad, by living the ways he couldn’t. I keep him alive in song, in spirit, and through my belief and faith in knowing that he no longer suffers. His death, quite literally, changed the trajectory of my life.
Grief is a catalyst to spiritual growth. Paradoxically painful and profoundly transformative. – hjn
What’s Remained The Same:
Dad’s still with me. I still sense him in ways that feel familiar. No other soul in the universe could duplicate his energy, and when he’s close, I can feel him standing right next to me. Passed loved ones always feel familiar, just as they always were. That energy doesn’t change. The heaviness of grief has lifted, but not disappeared. Some days hit hard, and time has no meaning. It ebbs and flows unpredictably.
Sometimes, I get sad thinking of times missed, him not getting to know his grandchildren, and them not getting to know firsthand, the PopPop we know and love. Since his passing, with every new friendship, relationship I have, I can only try to share about the light he left. And it will never measure to who he was.
Grief doesn’t wait for the right time, it doesn’t knock gently, nor does it ask permission to stay. It’s an unwanted visitor that nestles its home where loves lives; in the heart. -hjn
Fifteen years later, I’ve learned what’s nonlinear:
- Time
- Grief
- Healing
not a straight line, but more a proverbial spiral spinning us ‘round in upward ascension.
For Your Thought:
- How has grief shaped your spiritual growth?
- How do you connect with your passed loved ones?
- What’s changed since their passing? What’s remained the same?
Dad loved music, and had a solid, strong voice. This one right here, is a favorite of his. It’s taken new meaning since his transition, and I love hearing it come on. I can hear him sing along now!
I hope you enjoy, and I hope you feel your loved ones standing in their light ✨️